Interrupted Thoughts and Prayers

I have come to the conclusion that perhaps one man will never be enough for me—not because one man is not but perhaps I DON’T desire to be with just ONE man. Since my last real relationship which still swings back and forth with my Cancer over the last 4 years I have fooled around with and attempted to settle down with a few others. It was my original desire only to be with my Cancer, but he was wayward and we had so many issues between us – insanity and pain, pain, pain. Now that I am a woman free and dating and sexing other men he guilt trips me and grows jealous and sad. He makes me think I treat him like a rag doll picking him up when I want him, tossing him to the side for another.

I truly don’t mean to cause him pain. And out of all the current men in my life he is the only one who manages to make me feel so guilty. Even now there is a slight sick swirling in my stomach at the thought he is hurting and angry right now. As I said I don’t mean to cause him pain and at one point he hurt me so badly I wanted him to experience a taste of what he had given so liberally. Truly I have not been able to hold a permanent grudge against him despite our past. We have this yo-yo effect where we pull apart and spring back together, and he has not adjusted to my being with multiple men, when I have had to share his heart and body with several others before—some he chose repeatedly over me.

But as it is I still feel terrible when he gets sick and shows how pained he is. No matter how crazy things have been and how fractious our temperaments and arguments become I don’t doubt he loves me. I care for him, but not enough to stop seeing other people I suppose. Not enough to seriously choose to be with him again right now. I have considered the possibility, and while there is much I desire about him , there is just as much I don’t desire to deal with again. For instance his mood swings, his temper, his financial instability, his jealousy and resentment, his having two children, his family, and the naysay that would come from my family and friends who have witnessed the brutalities over our previous involvement. I don’t want the headache. Maybe some of that makes me selfish but after what I went through with him he really cannot blame me. A more sensible and less compassionate woman than myself would never speak to him and be done with him for good considering his past treatment.

He is not a bad person, in fact he has some great qualities that keep me drawn to him. He is loving, passionate, protective, universal and we can laugh and hang together. I do enjoy him in many ways, but not enough to say let’s try again…not yet. I mean there would have to be some major changes and even then the love I have for him now is not the same. But God knows I care. But I can’t deny myself right now. While I want a monogamous relationship, my behavior supports anything but that. After being disillusioned and waiting on certain men I have dealt with and waited on for so long I’ve reached the point where until I am convinced they are ready and serious I am doing what I want to do. Enjoying and exploring each of them until I choose to be with someone.

That might seem out cold, but that is the reality of it. I’m tired of leaving the ball in their court. I am going to do me until I make a decision which might involve one of them or none of them. I’m not capable of being faithful to anyone right now because I have no faith to place in a man right now. I have a wealth of caring and passion, but truly trusting, no. That’s the truth of the matter and while this way of dealing with the situation is hardly satisfactory, it’s what’s on the agenda for now.

Even while attempting to focus on honoring my feelings, thoughts, desires and needs I still find myself plagued with some guilt over my Cancer. He can be so sweet and has suffered so much, but I can’t take the hilt for every struggle he has been through in life. We all have our pain and while I don’t want to add to it, it’s my life, and this is the way things are until something changes.

I have to get focused. I have to get my life in order. So many gambles and no returns—and I can’t afford it. I could not keep track of my thoughts or prayers early this morning. They were all interrupted like so many possibilities of a real relationship with a person I love in my life. A relationship should not be the most important thing to me in the face of all the work I must do, but it IS important to me.

Later, I will try to pray again. Right now I need to focus on the mundane tasks ahead of me in this office. This too must change. There’s so much more to life and I want far more than this.

~ by legacyleonard on July 1, 2008.