It’s fucking complicated

So yeah…

I am tired and I am detached from men to the point even the one I feel great affection for….I can’t act right.  In my mind, deep down inside, I guess I feel like he can’t say anything about the things I do.

Just fuck it.  I am tired.

Interrupted Thoughts and Prayers

I have come to the conclusion that perhaps one man will never be enough for me—not because one man is not but perhaps I DON’T desire to be with just ONE man. Since my last real relationship which still swings back and forth with my Cancer over the last 4 years I have fooled around with and attempted to settle down with a few others. It was my original desire only to be with my Cancer, but he was wayward and we had so many issues between us – insanity and pain, pain, pain. Now that I am a woman free and dating and sexing other men he guilt trips me and grows jealous and sad. He makes me think I treat him like a rag doll picking him up when I want him, tossing him to the side for another.

I truly don’t mean to cause him pain. And out of all the current men in my life he is the only one who manages to make me feel so guilty. Even now there is a slight sick swirling in my stomach at the thought he is hurting and angry right now. As I said I don’t mean to cause him pain and at one point he hurt me so badly I wanted him to experience a taste of what he had given so liberally. Truly I have not been able to hold a permanent grudge against him despite our past. We have this yo-yo effect where we pull apart and spring back together, and he has not adjusted to my being with multiple men, when I have had to share his heart and body with several others before—some he chose repeatedly over me.

But as it is I still feel terrible when he gets sick and shows how pained he is. No matter how crazy things have been and how fractious our temperaments and arguments become I don’t doubt he loves me. I care for him, but not enough to stop seeing other people I suppose. Not enough to seriously choose to be with him again right now. I have considered the possibility, and while there is much I desire about him , there is just as much I don’t desire to deal with again. For instance his mood swings, his temper, his financial instability, his jealousy and resentment, his having two children, his family, and the naysay that would come from my family and friends who have witnessed the brutalities over our previous involvement. I don’t want the headache. Maybe some of that makes me selfish but after what I went through with him he really cannot blame me. A more sensible and less compassionate woman than myself would never speak to him and be done with him for good considering his past treatment.

He is not a bad person, in fact he has some great qualities that keep me drawn to him. He is loving, passionate, protective, universal and we can laugh and hang together. I do enjoy him in many ways, but not enough to say let’s try again…not yet. I mean there would have to be some major changes and even then the love I have for him now is not the same. But God knows I care. But I can’t deny myself right now. While I want a monogamous relationship, my behavior supports anything but that. After being disillusioned and waiting on certain men I have dealt with and waited on for so long I’ve reached the point where until I am convinced they are ready and serious I am doing what I want to do. Enjoying and exploring each of them until I choose to be with someone.

That might seem out cold, but that is the reality of it. I’m tired of leaving the ball in their court. I am going to do me until I make a decision which might involve one of them or none of them. I’m not capable of being faithful to anyone right now because I have no faith to place in a man right now. I have a wealth of caring and passion, but truly trusting, no. That’s the truth of the matter and while this way of dealing with the situation is hardly satisfactory, it’s what’s on the agenda for now.

Even while attempting to focus on honoring my feelings, thoughts, desires and needs I still find myself plagued with some guilt over my Cancer. He can be so sweet and has suffered so much, but I can’t take the hilt for every struggle he has been through in life. We all have our pain and while I don’t want to add to it, it’s my life, and this is the way things are until something changes.

I have to get focused. I have to get my life in order. So many gambles and no returns—and I can’t afford it. I could not keep track of my thoughts or prayers early this morning. They were all interrupted like so many possibilities of a real relationship with a person I love in my life. A relationship should not be the most important thing to me in the face of all the work I must do, but it IS important to me.

Later, I will try to pray again. Right now I need to focus on the mundane tasks ahead of me in this office. This too must change. There’s so much more to life and I want far more than this.

Soon The New Day

Last night I wrote my Aquarian lover a Dear John letter.  Part of me really wants him to respond, to see if we can give this relationship a real chance, but the other part of me is doubtful and thinks I will get no reply. He is never around and while I have adjusted to that, I have not adjusted comfortably.  It’s more of a defeated acceptance of a situation I cannot seem to change.  I can’t live like that.  Not anymore.  I have to take better care of myself.

This morning I got up at about 6:15 washed my face, brushed my teeth, fed my birds and decided to go for a walk by the river after dropping my check off at the rental office.  It was good to get my body in motion and meditating in the breeze and sun by the river was like a balm for my spirit while listening to Amel Larrieux and Shinedown.  It was a good walk and once I got a nice warm shower afterward I felt so much better.  I was able to start this new day with a better spirit and hope.

Soon the new day breaks the dawn.  Today is a chance for something to go right and even if it’s not all I want it to be, things can get better.  I hope.

Honoring my feelings and other randomness

So I told my armchair psychologist/life coach that I would take 3 times a week to “honor my feelings”. That basically boils down to bitching about the state of my life and relationships and re-evaluating what I want, need, and my game plan for getting there. It would be ideal for a person to always “honor” their feelings but between worrying about paying rent, juggling men and searching for love, and trying to figure out how to make being an artist pay while dealing with my bullshit job honoring my feelings gets lost in there, sometimes.

I think a lot—about my life, love, men, the future, the past, the world and all its ills and beauties and how I can help change it. I’m sort of humanitarian and at the same time self indulgent and bitchy. I’m too selfish to have children or wait for a man to decide to love me—-but I don’t really think that is selfish considering having a baby would be a real monkey wrench in my present plans and waiting on a man grows tiresome and boring. So I have this way of skipping between subjects and thoughts and that’s okay because this blog is going to be the space where I can write whatever the hell I am feeling and thinking. Unlike my other blogs that I find myself tailoring and editing for content all the time based on who is reading it or NOT.

I used to keep a journal from the time I was eight up until my teens but once my mom found my journals, read them and burned them and my love affair with journaling came to a cold stand still. It was hard to trust thoughts to paper after that and so I began to mire the thoughts in my head. Often they build in messy jumbles that sometimes exhaust me. I am a thinking woman but even I don’t want to think about all the shit I have been thinking about, you know? When I finally do commit thoughts to paper it’s usually in the form of poems. I write lots of poetry—mostly political and social commentaries but also love and erotica. I’ve got more love poems than I will ever admit to, but I can only write love poems when I am in love or going through heartbreak. I am a real poet—not an instant poem without inspiration.

So the last few days I have spent musing and weeping over Deepa Mehta movies. It all started with re-watching the Kama Sutra: A Love Story which is a favorite of mine and then I remembered reading about an interesting movie called Fire by Deepa. Well I found it online and was riveted to the screen—it was really a beautiful and tastefully done movie The movie was so good I googled Water and watched it too. By the time I finished watching it while at work labeling envelopes for another useless mass mailing I was in tears. Such a beautiful movie. Both movies really could get me going about feminist issues but honestly I did not dwell on that. There was a comment made my Narayan’s mother in Water that made me pause. When Narayan is telling his mother he has found a bride she asks: Is she fair skinned?

Is she fair skinned?

Of all the questions a mother could ask about her son’s intended she asked this question as if it was of the utmost importance. I wonder if he had responded that she was dark skinned would the mother have found this more appalling than him wanting to wed a widow (which in the time setting was against the Holy Scriptures in Hinduism – or a form of it)? I have noted that there is a color complex problem all across the world amongst people of color. This is disturbing and disheartening. Of all the beautiful brown and olive and golden skin tones in the world why is there this obsession with “Whiteness”? Does it predate the contact with Western culture or is it a product of being colonized or conquered peoples by “Whites” in different areas of the world? If so, how does a minority culture so deeply impact the standard of beauty and culture in a majority world of color?

It’s a grave and sad psychological condition. The reaches of racism, classism and sexism work as the clinching fingers of a fist that deeply effects the attitudes, mentality, socialization and acculturation of people. It bothers me to see it among African Americans and Latinos in particular. We live in a society obsessed with capitalism, materialism, false images of beauty and assimilation. Any room for differences and diversity are stomped out and extinguished. So many people strive to fit into a box never designed for them which hurts them mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. It’s madness and we teach and pass on these same screwed up values to the next generation if we are not careful and conscious of them.

That has been the latest of my brooding thoughts on what is psychologically wrong with women, society and the world. As I said my thoughts are a jumble so social and political commentary get interspersed in my dialog of randomness. For the last couple of months I have been dealing with an absent lover. Someone I have been fond of for nearly 15 years but he is a fickle Aquarius who can only give me a taste of what it is like to be with him before disappearing on a “mission” to change something, help someone or fix something while neglecting me. While I have had no real desire to be with anyone but him —he is never around and so I fulfill my needs and desires with others—who are not him, and therefore there is still a void. I need time, attention, affection and great sex. I can only take myself out so many times, stay busy so much before the loneliness swallows me in place and I feel the emptiness. Yes, I can be alone but I don’t want to be. So I have filled my time with other ventures and other men.

I am 28, have never been pregnant, engaged or married—and I think my biological clock is ticking because every baby is hopelessly cute until I have to be responsible for it more than 5 minutes. I can deal with being unmarried and without child, that’s cool with me considering I want the freedom to jump up and travel and party and socialize at will. I’m not in the frame of mind or financially ready for a child anyway. I would want to be more stable and most importantly I would want the father to be there, permanently. I just can’t see myself as a Baby’s Momma. I’m disdainful of the title as it is. I deserve the whole role, the love, respectability and fidelity. I don’t ask for terms of commitment insane—but because we both love and honor one another and want to make a beautiful and meaningful together.

I am no relationship guru. All of mine have failed and have left me with quite a bit of heartbreak and crazy stories but I don’t think I am too jaded and bitter. I would try again if only a man had the guts to go the full mile with me. I don’t believe in dragging a man along—either you are with me or you are not. It’s a choice, and a relationship does not operate with an uncooperative body—but a whole and willing one. For once I would like to be a priority, even if it means something as small as calling me while I am on the road performing, or coming to one of my shows, or returning a text to inquire about my day. I’m not asking for anything unreasonable—just the same consideration and support I would give.

Well, what else….I could talk about how I am feeling fat—but obviously it has not bothered me enough in the last few years to lose more than a few pounds at a time. I’m not fat, really, just plump and the weight goes to my bit of a belly. Need to hit the gym. Nothing I can’t rectify but I refuse to starve myself or go on a crazy ass diet. It’s just not that deep. Got to love yourself and I do love myself even in my more insecure moments. It’s called being human.

I am so tired. I was up late last night engaged in another round of how far can my ankles reach to my ears with my ex-boyfriend. He is an incredible and passionate lover. No complaints except he is just crazy and we make one another crazier, but I am still quite fond of him. I could use a nap and a good meal and some wine later on. For now I think I will bring this first blog to a close and go crash in the conference room for a few before heading to open mic tonight.

That is all.